How Did The Witcher 3 Make Me Care About A Statue’s Balls?


Final week, I made it my sole aim to complete The Witcher 3. I’ve tarried too lengthy, and fried away my hours slaying unsuspecting monsters and ticking off pointless aspect quests. There’s nothing mistaken with this, per se, however I’ve obtained new video games I need to play, and I need to end Geralt’s story earlier than transferring on or, worse, losing interest.


I wanted to complete Blood & Wine earlier than following Avallac’h by his portal to get the total expertise, although. And I nonetheless need to improve my Feline Armor one final time, too. I loaded the sport in the midst of a jousting match wherein I used to be additionally saving a good maiden from a curse that was turning her right into a fowl, so I completed that, too. However then, I used to be off on a vampire hunt.


Associated: The Witcher 3’s Quick Journey Is Its Most Essential Mechanic

I ignored loads of exclamation factors on my map, and flat out refused to have a look at noticeboards as I handed by Toussaint’s quaint villages. However, as I used to be on my manner from graveyard to arts present (it is sensible in case you play it), one man flagged me down. He was on my precise path, so I finished and chatted with him a minute to search out that his statue’s balls of his had been lopped off.

Toussaint from a tent in The Witcher 3

This fella was an artwork supplier, you see, and he charged individuals to rub his statue’s textured testicles, which might grant them nice virility. Apparently. It looks as if a little bit of a rip-off to me, however with a poignant path to observe, who was I to show down such a aspect quest? I knew as I adopted my nostril that I used to be going towards my very own guidelines, and that obtained me pondering: what’s it that makes The Witcher 3’s aspect quests so partaking?

I believe a big a part of it’s all the way down to quick journey, or the shortage thereof. Stumbling throughout these quests your self makes you are feeling such as you’re forging your individual story, not simply following the principle route that everybody treads. Ciri’s plight is nice, however everybody who’s performed the sport has seen that, whereas thousands and thousands may need missed this dick-based detour. No one advised me to go and see this artwork supplier, I discovered him myself, and his impassioned plea for him implored me to assist him out.

Geralt getting a statue's balls in The Witcher 3

After all, the character of this specific quest additionally helps. Magic melons are an inherently intriguing prospect, whether or not manufactured from stone or flesh. However this is not the primary time I have been distracted whereas exploring The Continent, so it will possibly’t simply be bollock-related. I’ve climbed mountains to slay dragons, explored deserted castles to seize armor blueprints, and crossed seas to elevate curses. With each aspect quest I expertise, I need to do one other, as a result of the payoff is all the time nice, and infrequently sudden.

Even the most straightforward of quests – save this city from a beastie or deliver my spouse dwelling from the forest – aren’t so simple as they first appear. Each is an opportunity for CD Projekt Crimson to inform one other story, to make this world really feel extra actual, and to liven up the pixels and code which are the engine of this magical RPG. The aspect quests are sometimes extra compelling than the principle story – therefore why it is taken me this lengthy to complete it – and every nice story the sport spins tells me to embark on one other.

Geralt looking at a statue's missing balls in The Witcher 3

Put merely, the aspect quests is likely to be the very best little bit of The Witcher 3. Why do I care a couple of statue’s balls? As a result of the sport has taught me to care. It hooks you in with a stonemason’s, um, stones, and prior expertise has conditioned you to grasp that one thing good will come of following this significantly carnal path. The outcomes of my jolly genital did n’t disappoint: the outdated man who stole them advised me about all of his sexploits from him in nice element, earlier than dying of overexertion in some twisted, karmic destiny. He died doing what he liked, at the very least.

I do not know the way lengthy I’ve performed The Witcher 3 for at this level, however each minute of micro storytelling has conditioned me to take an curiosity in something that crosses my path, be it a fearsome creature or a ballsy theft. It makes for excellent anecdotes like this one, however after just a few hours of play, I am no nearer to stopping the Wild Hunt. That is simply swingers and roundabouts, I suppose.

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She is the editor of The Desk Game. Previously, she was editor-in-chief at other news sites. Juliana has also in her career been an editor for several websites and has more than 5 years of experience in the industry.

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